Really wish I could take those back

For someone who prides himself on making sure I let the people know in my life how much they mean to me, lately, I wish I could take back some words that have come out of my heart and mouth!

But I can’t. I can only work towards not letting them slip into my heart and out of my mouth again!

I wish I could take them back because they weren’t words that filled buckets. I said hurtful words spoken out of loneliness, pain, hurt, frustration and fear. It’s very interesting that I just wrote about making sure your words bring life, and not hate. Now, I didn’t say anything vulgar, or I didn’t say anything out of anger, just short little biting statements. Argh! So disappointed!

I’m ashamed because I firmly believe in helping people live a great story with their lives, but the reality is, we’re going to say things or do things that hurt others at times because we’re human. We’re messy.

And, it’s been a messy year for me so far. It’s been a year of highs (Launching Live Now) and lows (grieving not serving at Community Church). And the highs of being able to speak and teach more, but the lows of doing a lot of it by myself.

Let me say this. I am very excited. VERY EXCITED about what God has called me to do through Live Now Leadership. It is the culmination of 10 years of dreams, 10 years of visions and 17 years of serving the local Church as a Pastor. I love it and I am so blessed that God laid it on my heart.

I can’t wait for the day till we can bring on staff. Have our own office. I already know who I want to partner with and I pray everyday that God would make a way for that happen. Because I know when we get to that point, it means the more lives we can be reaching. I can’t wait till we’re not just partnering with one school but many. And, I dream of when we’ll send out teams of college students and speakers to schools and literally bring an END TO BULLYING!

I can’t wait for the day till we are passing out our book to thousands of students. I can’t wait for the day till we’re standing in front of thousands of parents and teaching them how to unlock their children’s potential. I can’t wait for the day till we bring on college interns and a full-time person who will develop these men and women into communicators and life changers!

I can’t wait!

But, until then…it’s just me. Don’t get me wrong. My wonderful wife is helping as much as she can, but with taking care of two PKU diets, there’s not much time. And, I’ve been blessed with some amazing volunteers. But, it’s been hard. I am a team guy. I have always worked in teams. I am not a lone ranger type of leader. I don’t want to be. I love to collaborate. I love to dream with people. I love to work a strategic plan with people.

So, leaving my team at Church has been hard. I mean, they’re still friends and I get together regularly with a few of them. But, they have full-time jobs and some of them have other jobs on top of that. Don’t get me wrong. They still will help me think through an issue over email or a call. But, it’s different.

And, in my insecurity, I have dealt with the fact I don’t have a team and people to sit and dream with in some negative ways. I have said some words that I really wish I could take back.

I know that James 3 says that the tongue is powerful and in Matthew Jesus talks about not letting your heart be centered on non Kingdom things and that’s my goal.

What I did to apologize

1. I tried to say sorry right away and as humbly as I could.

2. I sent an email saying sorry again and stressing that those words and actions were something that I wasn’t proud of and I would work HARD to make sure they wouldn’t happen again.

3. I asked for God’s forgiveness. Maybe this should have been number 1, but I went to God and begged for his forgiveness.

4. I’m choosing life for words moving forward.

Again, I don’t think what I said was in a def con 5 category, but it was out of character for me and I don’t want my heart and my tongue to take me to that category.

Really wish I could take that back…but I can’t…and I’m going to do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.


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